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My life has always been drenched, soaked, imbued, and completely saturated with uncertainty. From the day I gave up my diapers to today, when I tried to find Capote’s In Cold Blood in the bookstore (I watched Capote last night, and felt the need to read it again) and found naught but Twilight and Shopaholic books. I sit here at my MacBook at 10:13 in the PM with the humid breeze hitting my thighs repeatedly, and I’m worried. Where do I even put on my shoes for this new path I’m supposed to take? Which shoes am I to wear?

I do so hate the feeling of having to type out an email to people who have possible ideas/connections for my coming future. I feel like such a fictitious friend, the one who walks you home, buys you a couple of drinks on weekends, then asks to crash on your couch because he or she can’t afford the rent. I am a refugee from the caprice of my own life. Though inoculated against idleness from the missionary life my family and I have led, I’ve come down with a chronic case of itchy feet. Quelling these traveling toes will take more than a lifetime, and I’m afraid a lifetime is all I’ve got.

Settling down? Is it really as overrated as all the wild-eyed travelers say? Even in my young and green years, I’ve seen the need for an anchor, a home, wherever it may be. Albeit the chain between the ship and the anchor may be a lengthy one, I do wish for somewhere I can say I’m from. Meeting new people has been something of a predicament for me. I feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, and even sometime chagrined when asked where I’m from. In all honesty, I really don’t know. I don’t feel at home anywhere. That fact dispirits me more than I let on, and I do wonder when I will find that home. How can I tie myself down long enough to find a home with this ravenous craving to travel? How can I travel without often feeling hollow due to a lack of a place to take off this yoke of mine?

But alas, the hour is late (for the hour I must awake). I’m putting on an episode of Radiolab and getting this hopeful head to the hay.

[On: Conversation by Joni Mitchell]


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